Why The Cast of BIP Are Still Single

               

              Holy moly, that episode sure started the season off with a bang. Or should I say with a Chad? Bachelor In Paradise has quickly become my favorite of the Holy Bachelor Trinity shows, and this episode perfectly showed why. It was funny, it was over the top, it was ridiculous, it had romance, and it all just flew by. So far, the casting department this season nailed it. They should all be gifted with Chad printed robes and mimosas for their hotel rooms.

              Instead of a normal recap, I thought I’d start off the season summing up my thoughts on this cast, and why pretty much all of  these train wrecks are likely still single.

             Carly: Two words: Playing victim. This hasn’t been shown so much this season, so maybe she has changed, but last year she was over the top. A guy being honest and telling her he wasn’t into her made her spiral into a fit that rivaled tonight’s tropical storm of Chad/Lace. She basically vilified the guy on air and in song, like a meaner more judgmental Taylor Swift. That’s my job.

               Daniel: “I’m a disease that won’t go away. Like herpes.” This man said that. Those exact words. I can’t even.

              The Twins: The fact that I am lumping them together says it all. They are a package deal. And no guy who wants a serious relationship wants to basically be in a relationship with two girls. On a more positive note, I think I can finally tell them apart. Their noses are slightly different. Thanks whichever twin pointed that out.

              Lace: Boy, is she cuckoo for cocoa puffs, and not just of the Grant variety. If this was her version of self-improvement, I’d hate to see her version of self-sabotage. 

                Grant: During the intro video, the shot of him blowing out the candle made him look like a porn star. 

                   Evan: Let that damn shirt incident with Chad go. It was a crappy 7 dollar max v-neck.  Also you are a man that wears multiple v-necks. 

                     Jubilee: She called Evan “penis guy”. I love her already. No mean things will come out of my mouth. Also, she had a crush on Jared, so basically we have the same taste in guys.

                    Amanda: She is likely the only person in this cast who is single by choice. She’s pretty, has a nice personality, I’d consider her a shoo-in to be engaged by the end of this.

                  Nick: Is the 3^rd time the charm?  Obviously not. He’s basically every girl’s runner up at this point. Also Andi’s book says some things about him that put the freak in super freak.

                    Jared: His biggest issue is that he kind of lets girls he know he isn’t interested in cling to him. He did it last year with Ashley I. where you could tell he wasn’t interested, but he didn’t tell her until it was too late to date anyone else. This year, I don’t feel it with him and Jubilee, but I feel like he’s too nice to ever say that.

                      Izzy: Who? All I know about her is that she kissed Vinny.

                      Vinny: Mispronouncing Puerto Vallerta, as Puerto Vallparty probably has a lot to do with it.

                      Sarah: She is a really cute girl, but in many of her interviews she comes off as desperate. That is the number one anti-attraction thing for many guys.

                           Last but certainly, definitely, not a doubt in my mind, least

                      Chad: He is Chad. Do I really need to say more? When the birds on the beach start going all Hitchcock when you arrive, that’s when you know you inspire horror movies. I half expected him to pluck a bird out of the sky and eat it if he ran out of his protein shakes. 

                  Overall, this isn't a cast where you'd expect any lasting relationship to form. But, who cares? Its not like that's the reason anyone watches this spinoff. I'm excited to see the train wreck as it unfolds from the sidelines.