What I Wish I Could Say To The BB18 Contestants

              Recently, I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how one person being evicted on Big Brother could cause me to start thinking this season would suck. Frank wasn't exactly a great player, and I pretty much disliked him on BB14. So then why did his eviction worry me? Well after much needed reflection, I realized that it was because this cast sucks. And not in the "I'm a super fan and wish I could play instead" sucks, but the delete my live feeds in a torrent of rage sucks. My family has gotten so tired of hearing my thoughts on the subject, so I thought I'd share some snarky words of advise to a more interested audience.

          Dear wannabe celebrities who think they are at a summer camp,

James: You are perhaps the most worthless America's Favorite Player ever in terms of game. Last year all you did was play pranks, flirt with a girl that wasn't interested in you, and break a promise to a showmance that led to your eviction. What's your game this year? Playing pranks, flirting with a girl who isn't interested in you, and breaking a promise to a quasi-showmance that will cause you to be evicted from the game. Enough said.

DaVonne: Mama Day, Mama Day, Mama Day, you are the most useless vet we have this season. Since when did being evicted second constitute someone worth being brought back? You’ve been the same emotional and paranoid wreck that you were last year, just lucking out that there have been bigger threats to get out first. However, that list is quickly shrinking……

Nicole: For the third time, you are yet another vet that is making the exact same mistakes that you made on your first season. Showmance, check. Thinking a manipulator has your best interests at heart, check. Failing to think things through logically and strategically, check. Making me want to gouge my eyes out, triple check.

Michelle: I’d comment on gameplay, but well there isn’t any. So instead, I’d advise you to stop being so rude to your fellow house guests. Heaven help the next house guest to “betray” you, you’ll give them the silent/passive aggressive treatment until their death.

Natalie: Natalie, I don’t really know what to say about you except this is the game we get when Big Brother starts casting Bachelor audition rejects. Nor can I give you advice because based on your lack of gameplay you are a shoo in for a final 2 or 3 spot. So my advice will go to viewers, fast forwarding is a great option.

Paulie: Stop copying Derek’s game, its boring to watch, k thanks bye. (Outside of that you have the best chances of winning it all). Also, when your new haircut causes people to compare you to Paul, that is not a compliment. I REPEAT: that is NOT a compliment.

Corey:  Come out of the closet and have a chance to win America’s Favorite Player. All kidding aside, you could make it far based on there being bigger guys like Paulie and Victor in this house. Your problem will be that compared to them you are dumber, less of a comp threat, and don’t make any of the decisions.

Victor: I can’t root for someone already evicted to win the game. You had your chance.

Bridgette: You seem like a sweet girl. Perhaps the one I’d be friends with if I were in the house, but you’ve got to find a way to play the game for yourself and by yourself. Hopefully with Frank gone, you can lay low and let others fight it out while you find the next person to be a cabbage patch kid for.

Zakiyah: You absolutely have no chance of winning this game. You’ve done nothing in an alliance full of people who have strategized and made moves. Your most prolific move has been moving in to the HOH room to cuddle with Paulie. So my advice, realize the tool is using you and at least save yourself some after the game heartache.

Paul: Stop trying to make "friendship" happen, its never gonna happen. You're almost as annoying as Gretchen Wieners. I hope there is a veto comp where you have to shave your ratty beard.

So there you guys have it, my first piece. I haven't decided yet if my posts are going to turn into snarky recaps of my favorite reality tv shows, or just random pieces like this one. So leave a comment and let me know what you think. Stay tuned for my Bachelorette finale post that will be up tomorrow.