The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Which Player Did She Choose?

                    

                         I’m here to tell you a story about a painful toe of mine. One day I stubbed it really really hard. It was a dumb move, it was a painful move. At times it made me want to cry at my own stupidity for stubbing my toe. How is this relevant? Well, painful is one of the words I would use to describe watching this season’s finale of The Bachelorette. I was originally going to write mostly Big Brother on this blog, but thanks to the requests of a member of my Bachelor Fantasy League (yes I run one), I have done this recap.

                      Let me just start out by saying this is one of my least favorite final twos in the show’s history. Just a trigger warning. If you like them and think they are puppies and rainbows, this recap probably/seriously isn’t the recap for you. 

                    In a move that has shocked America, JoJo picked Jordan. Wait, scratch that. In a move that bored America to tears for its sheer predictability; JoJo picked Jordan. There, that sounds much better. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.

                  So we start the episode and its basically the same as every episode this season. JoJo comes out and talks about her feelings, okay next. Who cares?  Let’s skip to some of the highlights.

                             Meeting the people you pretend will one day be your in laws:

               Jordan: So Jordan comes in and is essentially the same person he has been during the entire show, which basically means that JoJo can’t hide her feelings for him at all. Mama JoJo, however, isn’t that impressed and the whole family spends much of the time questioning his intentions. Jordan turns his charm game on and starts spewing “I love your daughter”, while inside thinking “I love the job in media that this show will get me.” Jordan 1, Hopeless Romantics 0.

              Robby: Robby comes in after Jordan. That sentence pretty much sums up this whole season, but I digress. He starts telling the family all of these “sincere” lines that make the family love him. But don’t be fooled, Mama Fletcher wasn’t crying over his words, but crying because the producers withheld her daily wine ritual until she could fake that she liked at least one of the douche-lords that were her daughter’s final two. Even the Dad, poor Dad, had to fake his acceptance of these two as Robby says “your daughter will be my biggest priority”, after his hair of course. I swear he probably spends more time on his hair in the morning than I do with my entire morning routine.

                                                 The Final Dates: The Last Chance To Lie To Get The Girl

                         Robby:  Really absolutely nothing was different this date from any of Robby’s other dates with JoJo. He read off of a script and endlessly repeated that he loved her. The only thing noticeable was that he went from calling her JoJo, to Joelle, to now Jo. No son, that’s her father. He says so many different names for her, methinks he’s worried he will forget her name and actually say  his very recent ex-gfs name during an important moment.

#TeamRoJo, how about #TeamRoHellNo

                       Jordan: This date was slightly more interesting to watch. Her fixation about why he didn’t ask her dad for his blessing was the tell-tale sign for all readers who ignore spoilers that he was the one she wanted. Why would she have cared otherwise? The scenery of the date was very pretty, too bad his greasy hair and answers to her questions ruined it. She basically pulled a classic girl move in asking him how it went with her dad when she already knew the answer.  She was hardcore setting him up. On a side note, girls we got to stop doing that, get to the point. Especially since all he did after that was talk out of his behind. He kept contradicting himself and spewing 50 different explanations until he could find one that would shut her up. At this point, my dad was screaming "Help me God!”

                                                          The Grand dumping

                        All I gotta say is Robby’s outfit choice was so distracting. His light brown leather shoes DID NOT match his blue shirt. Also, it was obvious his pants were waaayyy too tight to the point where I started to question whether he’d be able to have children in the future. 

                                                                The proposal

                       So, I honestly don’t remember too much about this proposal. My stepsister and I just kept laughing at most of the cliché Hallmark Card quotes Jordan was using. My dad, on the other hand, was crying his eyes out. Not because it was sappy, but because he sat through two hours of this show and as a result had to turn in his man card. That, and I think he was experiencing sympathy pains seeing how Jordan also was wearing a too tight suit. 

                                                                                Final notes

                         Yeah, I’m not seeing these two lasting. The main narrative during their after the final rose was about the rumors surrounding Jordan. Just based off of recent events, when there is that much smoke around a person, there is usually at least one fire. Just ask Bill Cosby.

                         

                      So there you have it, my Bachelorette Finale Recap. I hope you all enjoyed it. Tonight Bachelor In Paradise premieres, and I’ve created a poll to run on the side of this blog to see whether anyone thinks I should recap it.

                    Thanks, and have a great day!