Did I miss the memo where every single limo entrance was
supposed to have at least one sex joke? Damn we know Nick likes sex but jeez
way to hammer home the point ABC. Either
way after a few weeks of a hiatus my blog is back with none other than The
Bachelor content. Since I’m no longer running a fantasy league for my friends,
I think I’ll have significantly more time to put into blogging this show. Those
of you who know me probably know that I read spoilers for the show, but have no
fear, those will not make it into my blog. This is a spoiler free zone.
To start, they show Nick’s prolific history among the show.
This is his fourth time appearing on it. First, he was dumped by Andi, then by
Kaitlyn, then he dumped Jen to be The Bachelor. So, he already has being a fame
whore going against him. However, each appearance of his has made me like him
more than the last time. Maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome. I’ll have to get that
checked. Either way I think most of us can agree that Nick’s engagement this
season is likely not going to last, so I can approach this season with my usual
amount of snark and cynicism.
Before we dive into which contestants made an impression,
can we talk about how every single girl showed up in a red dress? Okay. Not
every single girl did, but it was enough that I was seeing red. Get it? Seeing
red. Okay, I’ll stop now. I’m not funny. But in all seriousness, so many of the
girls did not show up ready to impress the lead. I mean we had a girl show up
in a shark costume, but she was so drunk that she insisted that it was a
dolphin. SWEETHEART DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE GILLS ON THE SIDE? Dolphins do not
have those gills because they do not breathe underwater. Furthermore, when you
bought the costume, did you not notice that it said “shark costume” on the
front? Or did the producers buy it for you and convince you it was a good idea?
Probably the latter.
Then there were other girls who apparently found it a good
idea to insult Nick as part of their introductions. Taylor, the mental health
counselor, needs a checkup of her own if she thinks telling a guy when she
first meets him that her friends think he is a “piece of s**” is a good idea. Yes,
insult the guy who gets to decide whether you stick around. That makes a lot of
sense.
Also, can someone tell these girls that some of their sex
jokes weren’t even funny and were fairly off-putting? One girl rode in on a
camel because she heard Nick “likes a good hump”, which is a polite way of
calling him a male hooker I’m sure. Then another girl thinks it’s impressive to
hint to Nick that she is not wearing underwear. I’m guessing her parents will
not be watching this season. Rule number one of being on a reality show ladies:
don’t do or say anything that would make it so that your grandma would be embarrassed
watching you on the show. I mean, your grandma is probably already embarrassed
that you are doing the show in the first place, no need to give her a stroke as
well.
Stand Out
Conversations of the night
First, I’ll start with the obvious. The main storyline of
the hour was Elizabeth. She met Nick at the wedding of Bachelor In Paradise
alum Jade and Tanner. They had sex. He asked for her number, she said no. Then
all of a sudden, she decides she wants another chance by going on this show.
Look, I am not a huge fan of Nick, but I ended up siding with him during their
awkward conversation. The wedding was in January. This show started filming in
September. She had 9 months to reach out to him. Waiting until he was on
another television show screams that she just wanted fame. She tries to explain
herself by saying that when she hooked up with him, she had a negative
stereotype in her head about him. Then she watched Bachelor In Paradise and
grew to like him. In short: she insinuated that she had thought he was a
jerk and she wanted nothing to do with him when she had met him in person.
Wow. Now we know why her job is delivering other people’s babies instead of
having her own. She sure knows how to make a guy feel special.
. We have the start of the cuckoo ladies with both Jasmine G.
and Kristina already bawling about the fact that they will not get much time
with Nick. It is the first night and you two are already crying. They act as if
they are missing out on talking to God or something. I mean The Bachelor is
sort of like a cult of sister wives, but still.
. Emphasizing this theme of sex that I feel will be very
prevalent this season, Danielle L’s dress left nothing to the imagination. I
mean nothing. Her boobs were hanging out. Nick couldn’t even hide the fact that
he just kept looking at her boobs. I mean she got his interest, so I guess it worked,
but it isn’t a great impression to make for a woman who claims that she is a
business owner.
. Speaking of bad impressions by business owners, let’s talk
about Corinne. I don’t think in any past season the villain has been as obvious
during the first episode as it was last night. At least wait until you have a
one on one before you bring the crazy possessive. After a 10 minute
conversation with Nick, apparently she decided that she needed to get even more
time so she could stick her tongue down his threat. Really classy. Nick even
said he was uncomfortable afterwards. Also, she is 24 and has a nanny who
brings her snacks. Get off of your lazy butt and get your own cucumbers. You
are perfectly capable. Also if she at the beach as much as her intro video
suggested, she is not helping her family run their businesses. She is a
glorified receptionist/trust fund brat. I’ll have fun trashing her this season,
I am sure.
. Nick appears to form a connection with really only two
people. One of these is Vanessa whom he immediately called a keeper after first
seeing her. It was during this conversation that I realized he kept repeating
to every girl that they “looked great”. His brain must have been eaten by
Sharkgirl because apparently that was the only compliment he could come up
with. He also forms a connection with Rachel, an attorney from Dallas. I immediately
loved her until she said she was a freaking Dallas Cowboys fan. Yuck. Horrible
taste in football teams. I don’t care if they are doing well this year, outside
of one of my mom’s awesome work friends, I have never met a person who likes
the Cowboys that is a decent person. Strike one Rachel. Strike one. Hail to the
Redskins, the real team for America.
All kidding aside, their conversation went fairly well and
she ends up receiving the first impression rose which is an indication that she
goes far. Hopefully she goes far enough that the series can see its first
diverse bachelorette.
At the rose ceremony, 8 forgettable girls are sent home. I
have a good memory and even I can’t remember their names. Nick probably didn’t
give them roses out of fear of having to call them girl 1 and girl 2. We are then treated to a season preview which
basically has random montage of people kissing and Corinne acting as if she is
horny 24 hours a day. This season should be a doozy.
Nick Kiss Count for
the episode: 2 girls
Top 5 Power Ranking
for the girls:
1.)
Rachel- when you get the first impression rose,
it obviously means you did the best this episode.
2.)
Vanessa
3.)
3.)
Corinne- He said it was uncomfortable kissing
her so early, but he still made out with her. Also, if ABC hasn’t told you this
enough, Nick likes sex. Corinne likes sex. Sounds like a match.4.)
Danielle M. – She seems normal and sweet and
they had a decent conversation about her being a nurse.
5.)
Raven- This was a hard spot to fill because
outside of the top 4 on this list, no one really got
shown having a good connection with him. However, after they met, he made a
comment about her having a cute voice. Producers usually only show comments
like this on the first night if the girl makes it far. 
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