The Bachelor Nick Recap "Mental Health or Cheese Pasta?"

   Hello friends and welcome back to another episode recap of The Bachelor. I apologize for my absence last week, prior obligations made it virtually impossible to set aside an hour for writing. But, lets be honest did I really miss much? Taylor and Corinne fought and there were some one on one dates. Lucky for us the exact same thing happened this week! Okay, not exactly, but pretty much. As long as Corinne is on the show each episode will revolve around her and we will all know what to expect.

  The episode starts off resolving the cliffhanger from last week of Corinne and Taylor fighting. Corinne is angry because Taylor basically called her stupid and Taylor is angry that Corinne told Nick that Taylor basically called her stupid. Taylor defended herself by saying that she was saying Corinne wasn’t “emotionally intelligent”, but that’s basically saying that you did call her stupid in a specific area. Neither girl came off looking great and I would rather gouge my eyes and ears out then listen to them continue to whine about whether or not Corinne is stupid. She is a 24 year old with a nanny who doesn’t know how to make cheese pasta, I think that question has already been answered.

  So the rose ceremony happens and what do you know? The final roses are given to Corinne and Taylor. Its almost as if producers knew that they would play a major role in the next week’s dates. Wait, are you saying that the two of them get put on the dreaded 2 on 1? No! That’s totally a coincidence. Insert rolling of my eyes here. The girls get told that they are traveling to New Orleans. Funny story, my father and stepmother traveled to New Orleans maybe a week or two after this show would have filmed here. Okay, its not that funny, but I was tempted to ask them if they recognized any of the places that the girls traveled to. Then I remembered that my father would rather be caught dead then admit to if he had seen an episode of this show. Spoiler alert: He watched The Bachelorette finale. Do with that information what you will.

        Chris Harrison arrives with the first one on one date card and it goes to Rachel. She is excited because she feels like she has not gotten much time with Nick. Or at least she says she is excited. She’s a lawyer, she is probably really great at lying by now. For their date they stroll around New Orleans dancing and making out. The two appear to have a lot of chemistry and I am thoroughly convinced that Nick’s type is assertive lawyers. He finds out that Rachel’s dad is a federal judge and starts asking about what he should call him when they meet. Nick is worried that Rachel’s father will judge him for having been on the show multiple times. Nick, Rachel’s father is a federal judge. He is going to judge you, but not for having been on a show he likely does not watch. He will probably cross examine Nick until he is forced to admit that he doesn’t have a real job and just wants to work in L.A. Nick, cross examinations are not fun. I can already see the storyline of their future hometown date being about Nick’s worries with her father. Because let’s be real, Rachel is going to get a hometown date.

Rachel gets the rose and the group date for the episode begins. The girls have to go to a haunted house and basically spend the night. There is an incredibly scripted segment of the “bartender” telling them about Mae and how they can’t touch her stuff or she will be mad. Did anyone seriously buy any of this? Like, seriously? I would have been touching all of the stuff and then laughing as the other girls freaked out.  All of the sounds and movements that then happened were obviously created by producers to scare the girls. I would have enjoyed the date, but I worry about the future work force if its full of people as gullible as these girls were. I was rooting for Jasmine due to her being skeptical, but then she was saying she believed in ghosts by the end of it.

     Before I talk about the second half of the group date, I want to talk about the awesome Bachelor tie in segment that they ran as a commercial. No, not the dumb ones with the Quantico “actress” if you could even call her that. I am talking about the preview they gave for Beauty and the Beast. I think I was more interested watching Josh Gad and Luke Evans make Bachelor puns to Disney songs than I was in the entire episode. Maybe they should have been the hosts for the Bachelor life after show last year?  10/10 I would have watched.

  Okay, back to what you actually read this to know about. Nick started taking the girls one by one to have conversations with them on the group date. I do not really remember the order so I am just going to talk about the ones I remember. I start with Danielle M, who ends up being the one to get the group date rose. I do not know what went so great with the conversation that she got the rose because these two are just so bland together. There is very little chemistry and all that there really is is the fact that she is a sweet girl from his hometown. If you do not see it, watch her conversation with Nick and then watch any of his conversations with Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, etc. They are miles a part in chemistry even if he is not letting her know that.

 Then we have the other Danielle, Danielle L. I think she giggled the entire conversation in between telling him that she could see herself falling in love with him. So basically she regurgitated everything she said to him last week. Nick proceeded to make out with her because that’s likely the only reason she is still here at this point because it certainly isn’t her use of words keeping her around.

   The last two segments to mention were probably the most hilarious of the group date and for separate reasons. The first was Alexis’s time with Nick. Shark/Dolphin Girl has probably been the most consistently funny girl on this show. She isn’t coming off stupid like Ashley S. in past seasons did, but just that she wants to have a fun time. Last week off camera she apparently told Nick that she has a fear of Nicholas Cage. So this episode he dressed up in a Nicholas Cage mask and forced her to face her fears. It was a hilarious segment and while he will never pick our wanna be dolphin, she might be quickly becoming my favorite. Anyone who can make fun of themselves on this show is alright in my book.

  The next conversation was hilarious in a different, but albeit disappointing way. Raven meets up with Nick and in a slip of the tongue says that “that is when I knew I loved you.” HA HA HA. You love Nick?! HA HA HA. Yeah no. You have had one date with him. Congratulations Raven on saying the funniest joke of the season thus far. She then became worried after she told him and he didn’t give her validation after saying it. Considering how the whole conversation was framed as a joke, I’m willing to bet that he thought her confession was a joke. Secondly, you want a reward for telling him the lies you are supposed to tell him? Insert some sort of Gen X-rs making a commentary on Millennials joke here.

  Anyway, now that the group date is through, we have what is the centerpiece of the episode. Taylor and Corinne are forced to go on the 2 on 1 date. For those who do not know or can’t infer from the title, 2 girls go on the date, only one gets the rose. The other has to go home. How convenient that the date with the highest stakes has the two girls who hate each other the most? Or that the villain is on this date? Its not like that hasn’t been the formula for the past few years or so…..

    In all honesty, I don’t have much to say about the date. Both girls were unabashedly and unfortunately themselves the whole way through. I think I was more interested in their scripted confessional moments than I was the date. At one point Corinne mentioned let’s “Make Corinne great again,” in an obvious spoof on Donald Trump. But 1.) This was filmed during the election cycle so she likely had to be fed that line and 2.) Would Corinne have even known who was running for election before Election Day? Let’s be real if she even voted, she had her nanny do it for her. Corinne continues her attacks against Taylor and tells Nick all about how Taylor “attacked” her. If what Taylor said is attacking, I am sure Corinne feels murdered after all that social media has said about her. I’m sure it sucks when you act like a complete idiot on national television and have to deal with the critiques from people who do not know you. Too bad I can’t have sympathy because so much of what she said was so idiotic to say on camera that it gives validity to everything Taylor would say about her. I am not a Taylor fan by any means. I think she came off condescending. Corinne was right about that. But, that doesn’t mean that Taylor wasn’t right. She has a degree from John Hopkins. If she says a person has no emotional intelligence, I’m inclined to believe her over an airhead who doesn’t know how to add cheese to pasta. Yes, I will continue to bring up the cheese pasta example. It’s so blatantly ridiculous how could I not? 

   Either way Nick sends Taylor home. For those who are interested, he does a blog for People.com where he explained in more detail why he sent her home. He basically summarized it by saying that all of the emotional intelligence issues and lack of self-awareness problems that Taylor was complaining about Corinne having, applied to Taylor as well so he sent her home. That’s fair enough. But, even then I would have sent both girls home. You can’t take issues with one girl not having emotional intelligence and then keep the other girl who has been proven to have issues and not get along with the other girls. Then you look like a hypocrite and a liar. 

The episode ends with Taylor coming back about to give Nick a piece of her mind. I am sure that it will be train wreck television and I will be back next week to dissect it some more.

Power Rankings

1.)    Rachel- Her date went very well this week and they have tons of chemistry. He even acknowledged thinking about and wanting to meet her family. Guaranteed final 4 here we come.

2.)    Raven- Usually the first person to tell the lead they love them makes it far. He also just had a good 1 on 1 date with her last week where she met his family. The person in that position is also almost always guaranteed a hometown.

3.)    Vanessa- She did not get much airtime this week, but the fact that they still made sure to show her even if it wasn’t with Nick solidifies that she will make it far.

4.)    Corinne- At this point Nick is making stupid excuses to keep her. I don’t see that stopping anytime soon.

5.)    Danielle M.- Mainly because she got the group date rose. I don’t think she comes close to winning though.

The Bachelor Nick Recap "Backstreet's Back Alright"

    Another night has passed as well as another episode of Corinne being the center of attention on the show titled “What the Heck is Nick Thinking?” I swear the number of plain bad decisions last night was appalling. Is it really possible that a man who has gone through the process twice before can really be The Bachelor who seems to be the least considerate of what the girls are going through? Seriously, I think he beats Juan Pablo for least considerate Bachelor considering the latter didn’t make out with a girl in front of everybody. The latter also didn’t encourage a girl he has no interest in to make a complete fool out of herself on national television, but we will get to that later.

     We start the episode off with the aftermath of Nick sending Liz home. We get a montage of the girls who were at that group date telling the girls who were home about the whole story. Because in case the viewer still doesn’t get it, Nick had sex with Liz. I know. You hadn’t heard it before. It’s a good thing I have hawk like hearing or no viewer would EVER had known this happened. Anyway Nick ends up making another big public speech about it and honestly blows the situation out of proportion. He worries the girls will leave for no reason. 1.) The producers wouldn’t let them. 2.) A one night stand is not a big deal. You weren’t in a relationship with her and you didn’t talk to her past that. Nick probably doesn’t remember more than 5 words they said to each other that night. Any girl who wants to leave based off of that he should have counted his lucky stars. 

   Then there is a segment with who else but Corinne. The girl breaks out in hives if the show goes 20 minutes without her on the screen. She talks about wanting something serious, but then proceeds to have a guy she has known barely a week in real time lick whip cream off of her boob. Yeah, guys are totally going to take you seriously now. Those guys in your private messages on social media are totally looking to bring you home to mom. They aren’t looking for a booty call at all now….. Also, I bet Nick’s fiancée was totally thrilled to see him participate. Nick eventually stops it and says it was going too far, but Nick maybe you should have thought of that BEFORE you licked the top of her boob. Just a thought.

             So the rose ceremony happens and 3 girls were sent home. Hailey was the cuckoo Canadian whose intro video including Daniel telling her he’d sleep with her. Elizabeth W. was utterly unremarkable and Lacey who got more airtime listening to Corinne vent than she got with Nick. Also, this continues the trend of Nick being a kissing bandit. He was making out with Lacey episode 2 but sends her home that rose ceremony. Usually, the Bachelor doesn’t make out with people who leave the first episodes……Okay, I know I am bias and don’t really like the guy, I’ll move on.

   The week 3 dates start with a date that I would have been jealous of. A group of girls got to go to a Backstreet Boys concert and dance with them on stage to Everybody. I’ve read a lot of comments online from people insinuating that the girls were too young to like the Backstreet Boys. I think those people are idiots. I am 20 and younger than all of these girls and I knew of the Backstreet Boys when I was a kid. It may not have been during their heyday but damn straight I knew the words to Everybody and I want it that way, if not more songs. My sister who is the average age of a Bachelor contestant had their CDs and we would listen to them in the car. So yeah Me 1 Dumb Comments 0.  

    Anyway as I was saying, I would have been so jealous to be on this date. Even though I am a horrible dancer, unlike Corinne, I would have still made the best of the situation. Though I guess the tone was set off on the wrong foot for her from the start with Nick pushing her off of him when she jumped on him for a hug. Everyone saw that right? It was glorious. It also adds proof to my theory that he doesn’t actually like her and just keeps her around knowing she causes drama. Corinne gets upset because the girls have to learn a “planned dance” (Corinne’s word for choreography) and whomever does the best and has chemistry with Nick wins. Danielle L wins and gets to dance and be serenaded with Nick in front of the other girls. She also gets the group date rose. In instance 5,402 of what was Nick thinking he starts making out with her in full view of the other girls. Dude, you do know they did not disappear right? He would have been pissed if Andi or Kaitlyn had done that to him, but he goes and does it to his girls.  It also irritated me because it made me sympathize for Corinne for a minute who was upset having to watch them make out even though she goes on to do the same thing later. But, he made me sympathize with Corinne for a minute.  That is unforgivable Nicholas.

   The last interesting thing that came out during this date was Corinne letting it slip that she has a nanny to the other girls. Apparently she still needs a person to wake her up, do her laundry, and make her bed, you know things that my mother had me doing when I was still in high school if not earlier. Then she admits that she can not make cheese pasta and that she needs Raquel to make it for her. Cheese pasta?! She can’t make cheese pasta! I don’t cook and I could make cheese pasta! You put pasta noodles in boiling water and then add what form of cheese you are using. It’s not rocket science, though I guess it is to Corinne. Okay, all is right in the world and I am back to no sympathy.  Nicholas, do not do something stupid and reverse this. 

   The next date is Nick’s one on one date with Vanessa, which is another date that looked really fun. They rode on a plane and got to experience the sensation of zero gravity. Vanessa’s stomach experienced the sensation further than the rest of her body and caused her to throw up. It gave the perfect opportunity for Nick to look like a decent human being and comfort her. I swear this was the only date where I came off liking Nick. Also Vanessa is perfect, why is she on this show? She has a real job, she isn’t hawking products on Instagram, and she calls Nick out when he is being stupid.  She’s rivaling Raven for my favorite this season. The two appeared to have tons of chemistry on this date. So much so that during the dinner portion Nick starts crying because of how optimistic Vanessa makes him. On the first date. DING DING DING.  I think we have our winner this season. Let me remind you that the least lead to cry about how grateful he was for a girl was Ben H. about his winner Lauren B. The seasons done we can all move on, expect the proposal.

    Except it’s not and there is still another group date in this full episode. In all honesty compared to the other dates, this was a letdown. They had three Olympians come and had the girls do a track competition for more time with Nick in a hot tub. Rachel was going to win the competition, but dropped the “ring” that served as the marker of who won. So Astrid picks it up and wins the extra time. Then in instance 10,504 of what is Nick thinking he again makes out with her in the hot tub where everyone else can see. Is anybody noticing a trend here? It also ends up meaning nothing because he gives the group date rose to Rachel for impressing him. Dominique also ends up being sent home because she threw a fit about Nick not giving her a fair chance. Which is probably true, but not something you say to a guy you need to impress.

   We end the episode with yet more Corinne drama. She decides to set up a moon bounce (producers decide to set up a moon bounce) and basically get on top of Nick and make out. In the front of the house where all of the girls end up seeing them. In case number 5,000,405,601 of… I think you can finish that sentence by now. This leads the girls on a rampage to critique Nick to his face about his encouraging of Corinne. The episode then ends on a cliffhanger of the amazing Vanessa telling Nick “I don’t judge her. I judge your actions.” And her saying that if he was going to act like that, she would rather she did not have a rose. You go girl! Next week we will see Nick try to squirm out of this situation, but in typical Nick fashion I am sure it will only last 5 minutes. 

Kiss count: Corinne, Danielle L., Vanessa, Astrid, Alexis, Rachel, Kristina, your mom, her mom, random chick in Asia, basically everybody in the world = 7,000,000,000

Power Rankings

1.) Vanessa

  In all honesty, I think the season is pretty much over unless she chooses to leave at some point. She is basically the mix of Andi and Kaitlyn and I already mentioned the significance of Nick crying earlier. Also, apparently he was still okay making out shortly after she puked. Which gross, but shows he likes her.

2.) Danielle L. 

   He seems to be attracted to her. I don’t see a connection beyond that, but its Nick, so that might not even matter. She also got the group date rose.

3.) Rachel

Another recipient of the group date rose and he seems to enjoy talking to her.

4.) Raven

  As I’ve said before, the show keeps showing small moments of her even when they aren’t very significant. That’s a telltale editing sign that she goes far. 

5.) Corinne

  Yet again, not because I think he likes her, but because she will get kept around for drama.

    Until next week, I hope everyone has fun until What the Heck Is Nick Thinking returns next week with an all new episode. 

The Bachelor Nick Recap "Why I"ll Never Like Nick Now"

    I never knew the experience of being downright disturbed while simultaneously being very entertained until last night. I mean, has The Bachelor ever had such a downright unaware contestant as Corinne? Honestly, it feels like she takes dumb blonde to another level. It’s clear from her one liners that she is actively trying to stir up drama, but I think she has deluded herself into thinking that people will actually like her for it? I don’t know. Watching Corinne actually think she is a capable human being that is going places is confusing to say the least. But, I’m sure we will be talking about Corinne for quite some time, so let’s jump into the episode.

While the show is still in Los Angeles, the dates always consist of trying to embarrass the contestants instead of actually being something fun to do. This trend continued with the first group date, which was a bridal photo shoot where each girl was a bride or a bridesmaid and a stereotype themed wedding shot with Nick. All I can say is did you see how many girls Nick stuck his tongue down their throats tonight? No, seriously. I think he kissed every single one during the shot and then was making out with others in several quick clips during this group date. It was so bad that I can’t even do a kiss count for this episode because every few seconds it was a different chick and I couldn’t keep track. Damn boy. You can’t possibly like all of the girls you were making out with.

     But, apparently what he does “like” is blatant villain behavior in Corinne. Not even two episodes have past and she has no trouble blatantly advertising to the world why no man will ever take her home to his mother. This is the first technical date with a guy and she decides to take off her bikini top and have him hold on to her boobs. This is the first date. Many girls won’t even kiss a guy on the first date let alone basically force him to get to second base.  And of course she makes sure to do this in front of all of the girls because according to Corinne, everyone should be out for themselves only. Sure, but are you really out for yourself when all you are doing is guaranteeing you will never be hired for another job as long as you live? Some of these contestants are incredibly shortsighted.

       Of course, this isn’t where Corinne decides to wise up and act like she is older than 13. Instead, she decides to make a Bachelor first in the history of all villains from the franchise. She does not interrupt just one person to steal extra time, but two. She tries to justify herself later saying that interrupting people happens on these show and it is what the girls sign up for. That’s technically true. But, she didn’t just interrupt. She interrupted a girl when she had ALREADY HAD TIME WITH HIM, to get a second time with him. That’s usually what only the villains do. Then she did a Bachelor first, and interrupted another girl to get a freaking third time with him. Even the villains of the past know that that was a dumb move. I freaking cheered when Taylor interrupted Corinne to have some more time after Corinne had interrupted her. Corinne of course then became a total baby and tried to have it out with Taylor afterwards acting as if it was done because Taylor “had a problem with her.” Guess what Corinne? I have a problem with you too. And no it’s not jealously, but as my family says “you can’t fix stupid”, and so I try to avoid it when possible. 

    This brings me to something I am sure going to struggle with all season. I officially know that I can never like Nick. It’s done. It’s sealed. He gave the group date rose to Corinne KNOWING that she had interrupted three times and showed no class by parading around topless. I already knew he likely didn’t want to actually be engaged at the end of this, but no one is that stupid to miss the red flags that she gives off. He did it on purpose likely to start drama, and I am not going to like someone who is just a producer puppet and mouthpiece. It makes everything he says and does completely insincere and you can’t trust a word out of his mouth. I strongly dislike people like that.

    Anyway the only other conversation that was notable during this date was Nick’s talk with Raven. She talked about her last relationship ending because she walked in on him cheating on her. Yeah, that will end up a relationship. Nick appears to like her. Oh, and in the blooper scene for the night Alexis and Nick celebrated the fact that it was the anniversary of when she got her boob job. Real classy. Where did they find these girls? That’s a decent joke around your friends, but on national television? 

   The second date of the episode was a one on one with Danielle M. I freaking love this girl. She seems so sweet and understated in a way that screams normal. It is rare that you find a girl like that on these shows. With that being said, I also think she does not stand a chance in winning. She is absolutely stunning and amazing, but she had little to no romantic chemistry with Nick. While they were in the hot tub on their yacht, they weren’t any sparks. I do think she will make it far, but I don’t see her making it to the end, which is a shame because she might actually be my favorite this season. She also opens up to Nick about the death of her fiancé who died of a drug overdose. I can’t imagine the guilt that that likely caused her, so the fact that she is trying to move on is admirable.  If only she had a different lead bachelor who might actually appreciate that. All in all, the date only was about 15 minutes of screen time because the rest of the episode was the Liz and Nick show.

   Could the producers please stop replaying the loop of Liz explaining how she and Nick had sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding? Everyone who even watched 10 seconds of an episode knows that. Its repetitive at this point. I was praying for her to be eliminated just so that we didn’t have to hear about it for another episode. Liz is another person on this season that I doubt I will ever like. Its not that she seems like a bad person, but I wish she would just be honest about wanting attention from the situation. Whenever anyone talked about Nick, she would do this BLATANTLY OBVIOUS smile as if she wanted to scream and talk about it again. She even got called out on it once. Then, the first chance she gets, she tells Christen all about their past because she feels like she can trust Christen. Which of course means that at the next group date Christen ratted her out to Nick.

  The last date of the episode was a group date at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Each girl had to act out a breakup with Nick. None of them were all that interesting but were incredibly awkward. But, Liz’s took the cake for awkward. Look, I feel bad for her. She is getting trashed everywhere and it likely hurt watching Nick blatantly ignore her. But, it is also what she should have known was going to happen. I do not like Nick, but he is correct in his assumption that it looks suspicious that she waited so long to pursue him. Who knows? Maybe she was genuine. But, her conversation with him to explain herself went downright terribly. Here is a brief summary of basically what was said in my own words.

Nick: Jade knows me. If you wanted to pursue me, you could have.

Liz: You were busy, shooting Paradise and stuff.

Nick: Girl, please. Paradise only takes 18 days to shoot. It’s been 9 months.

Liz: Well, I don’t like talking to people on the phone if I’ve met them. I want to see them in person.

   Me: So why didn’t you ever try to see him in person? You could have gotten his number from Jade and asked him to hang out. In person.  Also, I thought you didn’t contact him because you didn’t like him UNTIL you watched Paradise. So, he wasn’t too busy shooting Paradise when you actually decided you liked him. It was a girl scrambling because she knew that her coming on the show didn’t look right. Maybe she had good intentions, but she can’t deny how it looks. Nick was so obviously fed up by the end of the conversation that he dumps her and sends her home. He then goes to tell the girls about his past with Liz as the episode ends on a dumb cliffhanger. Look, the show would never let every single girl leave and dump the lead. Nor would most girls leave if they could because they want tv time. Trying to convince the audience that it is a possibility is flat out dumb.

Power Rankings

1st place: 

Corinne- Not because I think he actually likes her, but because its clear he will let her go far to keep on the drama.

2nd place: 

  

Raven- Outside of really Corinne and Danielle M, she was really the only one shown having a decent sized conversation with him. Also, I love her because of her comment about Nick and Corinne. "If that's what he likes, no wonder it's his fourth time on the show." Damn, girl. Also, couldn't have said it better myself.

    3rd place: 

    Danielle L. – Since Nick likes girls who take their top off apparently and she doesn’t own a top that covers a decent amount of her chest, by deductive reasoning, Nick likely likes her.  

   4th place: 

     Rachel- She had no time on this episode, but that’s because the person who has the first impression rose never gets a date this week. I expect her to come in strong on screen time next episode.

   

   5th place: 

     Danielle M.- I love her, but the lack of chemistry will ultimately send her home.

The Bachelor Nick Premiere Recap "Ho Ho Hoes"

   Did I miss the memo where every single limo entrance was supposed to have at least one sex joke? Damn we know Nick likes sex but jeez way to hammer home the point ABC.  Either way after a few weeks of a hiatus my blog is back with none other than The Bachelor content. Since I’m no longer running a fantasy league for my friends, I think I’ll have significantly more time to put into blogging this show. Those of you who know me probably know that I read spoilers for the show, but have no fear, those will not make it into my blog. This is a spoiler free zone. 

   To start, they show Nick’s prolific history among the show. This is his fourth time appearing on it. First, he was dumped by Andi, then by Kaitlyn, then he dumped Jen to be The Bachelor. So, he already has being a fame whore going against him. However, each appearance of his has made me like him more than the last time. Maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome. I’ll have to get that checked. Either way I think most of us can agree that Nick’s engagement this season is likely not going to last, so I can approach this season with my usual amount of snark and cynicism. 

  Before we dive into which contestants made an impression, can we talk about how every single girl showed up in a red dress? Okay. Not every single girl did, but it was enough that I was seeing red. Get it? Seeing red. Okay, I’ll stop now. I’m not funny. But in all seriousness, so many of the girls did not show up ready to impress the lead. I mean we had a girl show up in a shark costume, but she was so drunk that she insisted that it was a dolphin. SWEETHEART DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE GILLS ON THE SIDE? Dolphins do not have those gills because they do not breathe underwater. Furthermore, when you bought the costume, did you not notice that it said “shark costume” on the front? Or did the producers buy it for you and convince you it was a good idea? Probably the latter. 

   Then there were other girls who apparently found it a good idea to insult Nick as part of their introductions. Taylor, the mental health counselor, needs a checkup of her own if she thinks telling a guy when she first meets him that her friends think he is a “piece of s**” is a good idea. Yes, insult the guy who gets to decide whether you stick around. That makes a lot of sense. 

   Also, can someone tell these girls that some of their sex jokes weren’t even funny and were fairly off-putting? One girl rode in on a camel because she heard Nick “likes a good hump”, which is a polite way of calling him a male hooker I’m sure. Then another girl thinks it’s impressive to hint to Nick that she is not wearing underwear. I’m guessing her parents will not be watching this season. Rule number one of being on a reality show ladies: don’t do or say anything that would make it so that your grandma would be embarrassed watching you on the show. I mean, your grandma is probably already embarrassed that you are doing the show in the first place, no need to give her a stroke as well. 

Stand Out Conversations of the night

    First, I’ll start with the obvious. The main storyline of the hour was Elizabeth. She met Nick at the wedding of Bachelor In Paradise alum Jade and Tanner. They had sex. He asked for her number, she said no. Then all of a sudden, she decides she wants another chance by going on this show. Look, I am not a huge fan of Nick, but I ended up siding with him during their awkward conversation. The wedding was in January. This show started filming in September. She had 9 months to reach out to him. Waiting until he was on another television show screams that she just wanted fame. She tries to explain herself by saying that when she hooked up with him, she had a negative stereotype in her head about him. Then she watched Bachelor In Paradise and grew to like him. In short: she insinuated that she had thought he was a jerk and she wanted nothing to do with him when she had met him in person. Wow. Now we know why her job is delivering other people’s babies instead of having her own. She sure knows how to make a guy feel special.

. We have the start of the cuckoo ladies with both Jasmine G. and Kristina already bawling about the fact that they will not get much time with Nick. It is the first night and you two are already crying. They act as if they are missing out on talking to God or something. I mean The Bachelor is sort of like a cult of sister wives, but still.

. Emphasizing this theme of sex that I feel will be very prevalent this season, Danielle L’s dress left nothing to the imagination. I mean nothing. Her boobs were hanging out. Nick couldn’t even hide the fact that he just kept looking at her boobs. I mean she got his interest, so I guess it worked, but it isn’t a great impression to make for a woman who claims that she is a business owner.

. Speaking of bad impressions by business owners, let’s talk about Corinne. I don’t think in any past season the villain has been as obvious during the first episode as it was last night. At least wait until you have a one on one before you bring the crazy possessive. After a 10 minute conversation with Nick, apparently she decided that she needed to get even more time so she could stick her tongue down his threat. Really classy. Nick even said he was uncomfortable afterwards. Also, she is 24 and has a nanny who brings her snacks. Get off of your lazy butt and get your own cucumbers. You are perfectly capable. Also if she at the beach as much as her intro video suggested, she is not helping her family run their businesses. She is a glorified receptionist/trust fund brat. I’ll have fun trashing her this season, I am sure.

. Nick appears to form a connection with really only two people. One of these is Vanessa whom he immediately called a keeper after first seeing her. It was during this conversation that I realized he kept repeating to every girl that they “looked great”. His brain must have been eaten by Sharkgirl because apparently that was the only compliment he could come up with. He also forms a connection with Rachel, an attorney from Dallas. I immediately loved her until she said she was a freaking Dallas Cowboys fan. Yuck. Horrible taste in football teams. I don’t care if they are doing well this year, outside of one of my mom’s awesome work friends, I have never met a person who likes the Cowboys that is a decent person. Strike one Rachel. Strike one. Hail to the Redskins, the real team for America.

All kidding aside, their conversation went fairly well and she ends up receiving the first impression rose which is an indication that she goes far. Hopefully she goes far enough that the series can see its first diverse bachelorette.

At the rose ceremony, 8 forgettable girls are sent home. I have a good memory and even I can’t remember their names. Nick probably didn’t give them roses out of fear of having to call them girl 1 and girl 2.  We are then treated to a season preview which basically has random montage of people kissing and Corinne acting as if she is horny 24 hours a day. This season should be a doozy.

Nick Kiss Count for the episode: 2 girls

Top 5 Power Ranking for the girls:

1.) 

Rachel- when you get the first impression rose, it obviously means you did the best this episode.

2.) 

     Vanessa
 3.)

 Corinne- He said it was uncomfortable kissing her so early, but he still made out with her. Also, if ABC hasn’t told you this enough, Nick likes sex. Corinne likes sex. Sounds like a match.

 4.) 

Danielle M. – She seems normal and sweet and they had a decent conversation about her being a nurse.

 5.) 

   Raven- This was a hard spot to fill because outside of the top 4 on this list, no one really got shown having a good connection with him. However, after they met, he made a comment about her having a cute voice. Producers usually only show comments like this on the first night if the girl makes it far.