In this most recent season of Big Brother, I have been
irritated in a way I have never been irritated before. No, it’s not the cast.
They are pretty entertaining. No, it’s not the horrible gameplay. If it’s
entertaining I eat it up. No, it’s not that little Napoleon Paul is running
around and projecting his small penis issues onto other males in the house. It’s
Josh. He annoys me like no other and I sit every night creating a little voodoo
doll, praying to Satan, and sacrificing stuffed animals from my childhood in
the hopes that he is evicted. My therapist tells me this isn’t very healthy and
so I have been instructed to try to think of at least one positive. After many
hours of hopeless searching, I have found one. His dumb as I’ll get out
catchphrase has inspired me to write a special blog post.
While goose cooking is a very popular idiom, I for one think
it is fairly cruel to cook geese. How PETA has not revolted against this
saying, I will never know. So I propose changing the saying, in honor of Josh,
to someone’s meatball is cooked instead. Only for cases like Lorena Bobbit or
Hannibal Lector is there a danger of the phrase becoming literal.
Did I mention earlier that 90 percent of the people in this
house’s game sucks? I did. Well did I mention that I still love this season the
most that I have in years? Seriously, it has been incredibly entertaining and
must watch television in a way that I was not very hopeful for. But alas, even
if I love it, nothing can be immune from my snark. Just ask my father, he is
the victim of it the most. And quite honestly, all but one of these contestants
will end up flat out losers, so why not talk about why that will be the case.
So buckle on in, sip whatever you are drinking, and let’s get started.
Christmas
How sad is it when someone breaking their
leg is probably the only reason they are still in the house right now? What she
fails to see is that her original strategy of guns blazing on all of the
competitions would have only ended with her getting sniped or discharged from
the Big Brother house. Man, I continued a gun metaphor for a whole sentence. My
humor must be depleting. The NRA will probably give me a membership card
though.
Right now, her meatball is cooked because
her meatball is basically glued to Paul’s meatball. What she doesn’t understand
is that Paul’s meatball has a knife sticking out of it and is prepared to chop
off any meatball that is dead weight. And a person who can’t win anything is
deadweight to a meatball like Paul.
Matt
Look, I really wanted to like this meatball
as much as I wanted to like IPA’s. He is from my home state and seemed like a
nice enough guy. But, like an IPA, all he has me feeling is bitterness. He’s
the little soldier meatball who goes around asking for his orders from the
Napoleon meatball commander. When he isn’t being mindless when it comes to the
game, he is mindless when it comes to his showmance Raven. Honestly, he won’t
win because Raven will probably murder him in his sleep in an attempt to steal
sympathy from when one of the other girls lose their showmances. No Jessica,
you shouldn’t be scared that you lost meatball Cody. My meatball Matt was
killed last night. *Insert victim noises
here*
Raven
With all of these ailments she keeps
faking, at this rate she will be faking death by the finale. The jury can’t
very well vote for a dead girl. This isn’t the Oscars. With that being said,
she may not even make it to where she has to fake her death. Everyone, and I
mean EVERYONE in the house is catching on to her. Soon she and her female ghostbuster
meatballs are going to have to bust the ghost of her game because it, along
with herself, are dying soon.
Mark
Is anyone really surprised that anyone who
said Brendon from BB12 and 13 is his favorite player is the one that is
flopping pretty hard? No one. You in the back? Are you sure you aren’t just
drunk? Mark is following Brendon’s strategy to a tee. Be overly emotional and
latch onto a woman with big boobed women. The only difference is that Elena’s
are real and Rachel was an intolerable harpy. Mark’s only real positive is that
he hates the biggest meatball of all Josh. That’s enough for me to take it easy
on him. Yes, this is my version of taking it easy.
Elena
She perhaps is the dish I’d call the “meatball
surprise”. I had her pegged as a potential first boot, and her game acumen has
actually seemed to be fairly good. However, like Christmas, she appears to like
the taste of the Paul meatball too much and is therefore at best an appetizer
to the actual meatball meal. If she truly wants to be the meatball dessert, she
needs to take out Paul or she is doomed to Christmas’s fate. Paul doesn’t like
competition at the Best Meatball in the Show finale after his devastating loss
last year.
Cody
I love Cody. It pains me to refer
to him as a meatball after Josh keeps calling him one, so after this sentence,
the word shall be blacklisted. I love Cody because he can’t stand everyone in
the house and doesn’t stop himself from showing it. That’s probably why the
rest of the house can’t stand him and why he is doomed to lose. However, when
he is inevitably in jury he can wrap himself up in some Jessica freedom and all
of the men in the world will think that he is the real winner.
Jessica
I can’t talk about Cody without mentioning
his better half. And I really do mean better half. She is better socially,
probably more well-rounded in competitions, and knows a thing or two about how
to play the game. Her issue is one that any female with eyes was at risk of
developing. It’s called Cody-itis and it’s when a female just becomes too
enamored with the good looks that is Cody that they develop tunnel vision. Side
effects are doubting your gut, not talking to other people, and sending house
resident superfans back to the real world. The cure is eviction of the disease
and praying your social game is enough to get you far enough to win out on
comps.
Josh
Now that my favorites are done, let the
meatball metaphors commence. It’s only fair that I go from my favorites to
perhaps my least favorite contestant ever. Yes, I might hate him more than
Rachel from BB12 and 13. This is a mix between a Christmas miracle and the
worst curse I could have ever received. This instigator meatball goes around
picking fights and harassing people, but then goes and bawls in a corner like a
reject from The Bachelor when they respond back. 9/10 times outside of this
house, if he instigated like this he would be punched. Yes, even in Sesame
Street, Utopia, Barbie world, suburbia, he gets punched. He is that annoying
and not self-aware. If you like Josh, please discontinue reading my blog. It will
not help your disease get better.
Dear CBS,
fire your psychologist that clears people for this game. They obviously missed
a spot.
Alex
We have yet another meatball that is stuck to
the Paul meatball and she will fall for the same reason that the rest will.
However, there is something slightly different about this meatball. She’s the
meatball where you go in expecting it to taste like an actual meatball, but
then you bite in and realize that it’s tofu. She’s not what you expect in all
of the worst ways. She claims to be a gamer, but seems more like a button masher.
She claimed to be a Big Brother fan, didn’t even know who one of the most
famous players ever were when he was interviewing her. She initially comes off
as cool and a competitor, but she endlessly badmouths girls prettier than her
and wants to throw away her game for Paul. Basically, even if this meatball is
cooked, do not eat it. Your resident health inspector, me, does not approve.
Jason
This rodeo meatball is perfectly likable as
a person, if not a little undercooked in the brain portion. He will be cooked
solely because he is trusting the tofu meatball Alex. She has no instincts for
how to play this game, yet he treats her like she is Mohammed telling him all
of her prophecies. But instead of leading him to salvation, she’s leading him
to the boiling pot.
Kevin
The mobster meatball is probably in the least
offensive spot in the house. No one dislikes him and all of the little
meatballs love coming together around him. However, he is a little bit of an
older meatball, which means when it’s time to clean the fridge up, Napoleon
meatball might decide that his usefulness has expired.
Paul
All evil leader jokes aside, I like the Paul
meatball as a character flavor. He is entertaining to watch. You could put him
on display in a meatball museum or painting. But, when you bite into him his
looks are better than his taste. Our resident Napoleon/Hitler/Stalin/ Bill
Belichick meatball will eventually fall as all evil leaders do. As the dictator
meatball, he will inadvertently blow up his own game and leave his meatball
minions to pick up the pieces and lose World War 3. He’s played well so far,
but I’d bet money that he can not sustain it.
So there you have it, your very own recipes on how to
cook some Big Brother meatballs. I recommend you buy the meat from your local
asylum, since that’s where casting finds these people anyway.
